We’ll Marry When Same-Sex Couples Can Marry
ROSALIE WITH KEVIN FANNING AND THEIR TWO SONS
I had a crush on Kevin in the 8th grade. He was so cool and sarcastic, and he made me laugh. As adults, we met for the second time at a party thrown by a mutual friend.
We could still make each other laugh. I made him think about serious things, and he helped me learn to enjoy the moment. About a year later, we decided not to marry, and we’ve been together ever since.
There were lots of reasons to consider marriage. We love each other and knew we wanted to be together forever. The legal benefits of marriage are compelling. Some of my best friends are married. But we made a conscious decision to boycott marriage.
I’ve heard people compare marriage to an all-white country club -- if you care about discrimination, you won’t join an institution that discriminates. But the country club metaphor doesn’t capture it. Boycotting marriage goes way beyond how we spend our leisure time. Being unmarried affects our decisions about healthcare, our finances, and protecting the custody of our children.
Kevin and I didn’t choose to fall in love. Love chose us, despite a slow start in the 8th grade. The idea of taking part in a system that discriminates is thor-oughly unromantic to us. Instead, we look forward to the day when marriage is based not on the genders of a couple, but on the content of their commitment. We decided to give up some of our [marriage] rights because we knew that too many people don’t have that choice. Our marriage boycott will end when marriage discrimination ends -- when marriage is based on love and not just “one man, one woman.”
Kevin and I have two children -- beautiful sons we’re trying to raise with a strong sense of right and wrong. They’re too young to ask about marriage, but they know that what makes a family is love, not laws. They see us talking about and working for an end to discrimination. And over time, I believe the example we set for our sons will help them grow up to be more thoughtful and justice-oriented men.
At 2 a.m., when our 3-year-old has a bad dream and our new baby wakes up needing to be fed, there’s just no question that we’re in this adventure of parenting and partnering for the long haul. Sometimes I imagine marrying Kevin. I can’t picture what I’ll wear or whether there will be cake. What I imagine is a better world for our sons -- a world where all families are treated equally and rights aren’t granted on the basis of sexual orientation.
Contrary to what some people will say, I think the institution of marriage will be so much stronger on that day. That vision of marriage is worth fighting for.